Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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