My friends, they love my intelligence
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
