So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
