I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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