My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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