My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
