she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The feeling are messing with the penis
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
