i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
