I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
