Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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