WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
