I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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