the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
