Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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