I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
now i know why i became what i already was.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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