i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
