So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
