Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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