i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
