Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
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