she woke up with a sticky ear
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
