I just cut my nipple shaving
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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