I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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