Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I feel great
I just peed on a car
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
