there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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