I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
