i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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