Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
