One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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