I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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