Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
