I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
