i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
