mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
