I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
