My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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