Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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