dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
