Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
North Korea, Best Korea!
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
