her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
