Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
