I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
