I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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