I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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