I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
