An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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