My cat gives me a boner
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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