My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
