my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
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