nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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