Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
