we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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