I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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